


Why Do We Sleep with One Eye Open?

by -Insert Octopus Emoji Here- (Kaleidoscream_Kat)



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa 3: The End of 希望ヶ峰学園 | The End of Kibougamine Gakuen | End of Hope's Peak High School
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Canon Compliant, Character Study, F/F, Guilt, Hurt No Comfort, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Paranoia, Regret, Relationship Study, Suicide, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-11-04 20:27:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17905067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaleidoscream_Kat/pseuds/-Insert%20Octopus%20Emoji%20Here-
Summary: "When did everything go wrong?"Seiko Kimura could only ever make one friend, and that turned out to be a huge disaster. Ruruka wanted to use her for her talents and she never found the resolve to end the cycle of manipulation and compliance. When did Ruruka stop seeing her as a friend? They started out so innocent and genuine…Seiko can’t help but wonder when she stopped being her own person and let herself turn out this way.Ruruka Ando admired Seiko from the moment she saw her: a girl so confident in her talent and its usefulness. Then that same girl, the person she wanted to recognize her unparalleled abilities in confectionery, betrayed her. When did Seiko start seeing her as disposable? Seiko was willing to destroy herself to kill her…Ruruka can’t help but wonder if Seiko turned from her hero to her villain because she realized how much the Ultimate Confectioner really relied on her.When the two of them finally snapped in the Final Killing Game, the reason their friendship became poisonous was exposed to them. But just as the game made them understand what went wrong and what their antidote was, it stole their hopes of healing their bond, leaving them with nothing but despair.





	1. Powerless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As if the summary, warnings, tags, and M-rating weren't enough...be prepared for pain, gore, and death. If you want fluff and softness, I suggest you wait for my future Seiko/Ruruka works because this is not fluffy, it is not soft, and it does not have a happy ending. You have been warned. :)

_Ah…I overdid it…didn’t I?_

Seiko wasn’t sure how long she lay crumpled on the floor before her mind started to put together coherent thoughts again. The drugs were wearing off, leaving her sore, shaking, and weak. But she had to move. Ruruka could have found Sonosuke and started retracing her steps, armed with weapons and the knowledge of Seiko’s forbidden action. They’d find her and kill her, and in this state, she wouldn’t be able to do a damn thing to stop them.

_I could have caught her…if I’d just kept running after her…_ Seiko gritted her teeth in frustration. She’d been distracted by the sight of Hina’s injuries. The only person in the Future Foundation who deserved pain was Ruruka—and Sonosuke, if he got in the way. Hina had survived Junko Enoshima’s game. She’d always been kind and supportive, determined to keep her friends and comrades safe. Seiko couldn’t just ignore the cruelty of someone like that being in pain.

So she’d paused her pursuit of Ruruka. She’d tried to give the swimmer medicine to heal her. And what had she gotten for her trouble? An assault. She hadn’t even managed to give Hina the bottle before being subdued.

_Useless. Always, always…I’m always useless. The only time I wasn’t useless was before I was expelled. But even then, I was useless on my own. People at Hope’s Peak came to me with requests every now and then, so I helped them. The only person I was useful to before I was scouted and accepted into that school was Ruruka, and she took advantage of how grateful I was for her encouragement. I depended on her more than anyone else to feel like someone could benefit from my work, that I was useful, that I could help people._

_And even that fell through, in the end._

Struggling to move, Seiko managed to push herself to her feet. She staggered and managed to stumble to the wall, slamming against it but keeping upright by leaning heavily on it. She was already panting. Sure, those pills gave her inhuman abilities, but there was a price to pay for taking them. They took a heavy toll on her body, pushing it past its regular maximum limits and leaving her exhausted once she was back to normal. And the _pain_. Her pain tolerance in that state was so high that she didn’t even notice what would normally be so far past her threshold that it would incapacitate her, but when the effects wore off, it hit her like a bulldozer, threatening to level her in a heartbeat. That was why those specific pills were for her use only. No one else should feel this pain and suffering. Besides, she knew how many she could take, she knew her limits, and she could handle the consequences. She knew how to use them safely.

But Ruruka had always had a way of pushing Seiko into doing things she shouldn’t. She’d been so consumed by the rage of hearing her former friend taunt her, tell her yet again to eat the sweets she knew would kill her, promise to spare her if she killed the man who saved her when she was expelled and homeless…she’d lost control and taken too many pills. Far too many. If she’d taken more, she probably would have died of an overdose.

_And I…can’t die yet. The Antagonist…the antidote to the poison in these bangles…it’s not done yet. It won’t neutralize it completely…it’ll slow the process and put the victim in a coma, but if no one revives them soon, they’ll still die. If I even did it right. I haven’t had the chance to test it…what if I’m wrong? What if it’s useless? What if…I still can’t save anyone…?_

Seiko shook her head to clear the dark thoughts crowding in on her. Using the wall for support, she started walking. Her feet dragged over the ground. Her legs were too weak to let her move beyond a dull shuffle. Her body needed more time to recover before she would be able to move it properly.

_Too slow…I’m too slow…if Ruruka and Izayoi come looking, they’ll find and catch me for sure!_

Pushing through the pain, using the wall to keep her weak, shaking muscles from dropping her to the floor, Seiko forced herself to stagger away from the rubble faster. She had to hide. She couldn’t let those two kill her.

And the time limit was just as merciless. Hiding from Ruruka and Sonosuke while she was awake was important, but finding a safe place to be put to sleep by the bangle’s drug was even more so. She would be defenseless at that point, after all. No way to escape. No way to resist. No hope of survival. All she could do was hide and hope the attacker didn’t find her.

Where even was she? She couldn’t tell. She was still disoriented from being attacked by Miaya and from the drugs wearing off. Which way was she going? Was she…following where Ruruka had gone? That would only put her in more danger. But she couldn’t tell, and if she turned around now, she would probably collapse in the rubble again. Then she’d be easily found for sure.

_I don’t know if this way is safe. But I have to gamble on it. I have no choice._

Seiko drew in deep, controlled breaths. She couldn’t let her breathing become labored. If that happened, the sound would surely echo down the empty hall. She had to stay as silent as possible, and while her stumbling and how her feet kept scuffing audibly against the floor were factors she had no ability to mute, she could at least keep her breathing in check. She wished she could dope herself up again, but that would be beyond stupid. She’d nearly overdosed, and she was already at her limit; she’d die in minutes if she took another dose. She needed rest first, and to get rest, she had to find refuge somewhere.

_But can I do that? Can I even stay awake until the time limit? I’m exhausted…but I can’t let myself faint. Not here. Not now. I can’t lose consciousness. I…I have to…_

Dizziness threatened to overwhelm her and she gritted her teeth, fighting it. She couldn’t take anything for it in this sorry state. She couldn’t do anything except press on. Her steps slowly became steadier, but she kept a hand on the wall for balance. Her vision blurred and she blinked away the distortion. She had to stay awake.

_Why did things end up this way?_ she wondered. _When did Ruruka start seeing me as a tool instead of a friend? I didn’t ask for much…all I wanted was to be her friend. I was happy being by her side as a friend. Did she think I wasn’t satisfied with that anymore…?_

Seiko bit her lip and paused, waiting for the fresh wave of nausea to subside. There was no way Ruruka could have known about _that_. Besides, Seiko had never let herself have any hope or desire for it. It was always there, lurking guiltily in her heart, but she wasn’t arrogant enough to actually want it. She wanted to be friends and that was all.

_So why did Ruruka stop seeing me as her friend?_

The pharmacist started walking again. When had Ruruka stopped trusting her? When had she stopped caring about her? When and why? It had been such a gradual decline…was there really a specific point?

_When we were expelled. She said I betrayed her. And…she wouldn’t have said that if she didn’t care about me, would she? If she didn’t trust me, she wouldn’t have seen it as a betrayal at all._

_…Did she even know she was hurting me and making me feel used?_

Seiko had to stop and lean on the wall again, realization washing over her. She’d always known Ruruka was insecure in everything but her talent as a confectioner. Wasn’t that why she’d agreed to give her that drug for her exam despite intending to use it for her own? Because Ruruka’s one point of confidence was wavering?

_She thought she couldn’t do it alone. She thought my talent would ensure a passing grade. Is that why she wanted me to try her sweets? I was her friend, right? And I never appreciated the one thing she was good at, right? How would I have felt if she didn’t appreciate the only talent I have?_

_I’d be crushed, obviously._

_I should have talked to her about it. I should have done more than be a servant out of guilt, I should have done more than remind her I’d die if I ate sugar. I should have tried harder, talked to her more, brought up how she was making me feel. Maybe…she would have been nicer?_

_Maybe not. Maybe she was just manipulative and cruel to the core. But…maybe…_

_Maybe if she’ll listen to me…_

_Maybe it isn’t too late…?_

Seiko took a shuddering breath and pushed off the wall to walk on her own. She could think about this more after she survived the time limit. She’d be stronger. She’d be able to hold her own while trying to get through to Ruruka. And if she couldn’t convince her after all, she’d be able to escape Ruruka and Sonosuke’s attempts to kill her.

She could see a door down the hall. Hope sparked in her chest. If she could get into a room, get out of the hall, she’d be at least a little harder for the attacker to find. She was lightheaded. Her legs were shaking again. She was tired. The door was too far. She returned to the wall, slid down it, and resigned herself to staying in the hall for the third time limit. She had to have faith that she wouldn’t die.

She hadn’t saved Chisa, she hadn’t saved Daisaku, but she could still do what she could for everyone who was left.

She could do her best to be friends with Ruruka again.

She had to.

She wasn’t done bringing hope to this despair-filled world just yet.

* * *

  _Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!_

Seiko’s eyes opened slowly. She could feel the drug-induced sleep wearing off, but she was still tired. Was the time limit already up? Maybe her near-overdose earlier had left her more exhausted than she’d anticipated. If so, this was bad. Everyone else would be well-rested, and she’d be an easy target.

“Hello!”

Seiko stiffened at Monokuma’s voice above her. She sat up and looked at the monitor, where that cursed mascot of despair was displayed.

“Attacker, are you awake? It’s attackin’ time. Now, who’s the target for today?”

_What? The attacker? Are they here for me? Why am I awake too?_ Seiko looked around frantically only to find an empty hallway. _What’s going on?_

“I found the attacker!”

Seiko looked up at the monitor only to find Monokuma looking at _her_.

“Attacker…? I…I can’t be…!”

“What? You aren’t the attacker, you say? It must be some mistake, you say?” Monokuma asked.

“No! I…I’d never…I want to save everyone…and help them…I’d never—!”

“Yep, that’s what everyone says,” Monokuma continued regardless of her protests. Seiko’s blood ran cold.

_Everyone…? Is…everyone an attacker? But…why? How?_

“But being an attacker’s not that bad. G-G-Get this. It comes with a secret bonus!”

_Bonus? What kind of bonus can make us kill each other like that?_

“Eh? What’s the bonus, you say? You wanna know? I bet you do!” Monokuma carried on as though he’d read her mind. “Watch carefully.”

Monokuma disappeared in favor of a countdown.

_3_

_2_

_1_

_Monokuma’s Gloomy Sunday_

Dissonant music began to play, drowning out all other sounds, as Monokuma slowly tilted his head back and forth, surrounded by a host of objects. The colors distorted, warping the image, overwhelming Seiko’s senses as she stared in wide-eyed fascination, paralyzed by the video…

She jolted with a gasp. She wasn’t sitting in the hallway anymore, but in a plane of blue. Her exhaustion was gone, so she stood up and looked around, confused. Where was she?

“Seiko-chan.”

That syrupy sweet voice made her stiffen. She slowly turned to see Ruruka standing behind her. Her hands were clasped behind her back and she was smiling. Seiko wasn’t fooled. That smile was fake. Ruruka was scheming. She never smiled at Seiko genuinely. Not anymore. Not since they were kids.

“Why did you betray me, Seiko-chan?” Ruruka asked, her smile never faltering.

“I didn’t betray you…” Seiko growled. “You’re the one who betrayed me!”

“No, you betrayed me. You betrayed me before we even got into Hope’s Peak. You betraying me again and getting me expelled was just icing on the cake!” Ruruka chirped.

“When did I betray you? Is this about your sweets? I’ve told you over and over, I’ll die if I eat them!” Seiko clenched her fists, shaking. Ruruka cocked her head.

“Hm? Oh no, I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the other thing.”

_Other thing…?_ Seiko felt ice creeping through her veins.

“You thought I didn’t know, didn’t you?” Ruruka giggled. “I always knew, Seiko-chan! I always, always knew about it! You were so obvious it was pathetic!”

“What…are you talking about?” Seiko asked, forcing the words past the bile rising in her throat.

“You know what I mean.” Ruruka came closer. Seiko backed away but the confectioner was undaunted. She grabbed Seiko’s chin, that sickeningly sweet smile still on her face. “You were so pitiful, falling in love with the first pretty girl to look your way.”

Seiko’s whole body trembled. She shook her head, tried to stammer a denial, but Ruruka’s grip on her jaw tightened until she whimpered. Her former friend, the last person she should love but the only one she did, leaned in to put her lips by her ear.

“It’s gross, Seiko-chan. It makes me wanna puke. Being loved by someone like you is so embarrassing. How could you betray me like that? Make me so miserable, day after day, agonizing over your disgusting little crush?”

Seiko shoved Ruruka away with all her strength, turned, and ran, desperate to escape the words she’d dreaded hearing for so long, but found herself running over a drop in the emptiness. She closed her eyes as she fell down, down, into a pile of soft lumps. She opened her eyes only to scream as she realized she’d landed on a pile of corpses. Bleeding, disfigured, rotting corpses, staring at her with accusing eyes and agonized faces. She tried to scramble away but her hand plunged through bloated flesh. Maggots crawled out, writhing around her arm. She yanked her hand out with a strangled cry.

“Help me! Please…someone…!” she screamed. She tried to get up but slipped on blood and the remains of an intestine, barely catching herself before her face could hit the pulverized pulp left behind by a mess of heart and lungs. Splintered bones cut into her as she crawled over the corpses, searching for an escape. How much of the blood on her hands was her own? She squeezed her eyes shut, blindly scrabbling for the edge of this mass grave.

A hand grabbed her wrist under her sleeve. She felt patches of raw muscle and bone and cried out, eyes flying open to meet a single eyeball and the bleeding socket beside it.

“Aren’t you a member of the Future Foundation?” the corpse asked. Putrid breath made her gag. A worm fell from the gaping jaw.

“Why couldn’t you save us?” asked another voice.

“Why?”

“Why are you so useless?”

“Why would they let someone like you into their ranks?”

“You don’t deserve anything…”

“You never saved anyone.”

Bloody, rotting hands grabbed at her clothes, pulling her in. She was buried in moaning, vengeful bodies. She fought, kicking, clawing. She tried to scream but something sickeningly warm and soft fell into her mouth. She gagged and spat it out. The eyeball glared as it faded into the mass of all the victims of despair who had died despite her efforts.

A hand grabbed hers. Pulled her up, out of the nightmare. She fell to her hands and knees on solid blue ground, coughing, spitting out blood and gray specks of brain matter.

“Why are you so upset about people you don’t even know?” a familiar voice asked. Seiko went rigid, then slowly looked up at Chisa Yukizome. “Why aren’t you more upset about the people you didn’t save, even though you knew us?”

Blood was soaking through Chisa’s shirt as she spoke. A hand grabbed Seiko’s shoulder and she whipped around to see Daisaku behind her, the poison coursing through his body.

“Save…me…” he choked out, then keeled over. Seiko was paralyzed, unable to move, unable to help.

_I can’t save him. There’s nothing I can do…_

“What kind of pharmacist can’t counteract a poison?” Chisa asked scornfully. “Are you sure Hope’s Peak didn’t make a mistake when they scouted you? Why did Kyosuke even take you in after you were expelled? You were always too weak to do anything at all.”

“You’re nothing but a useless traitor!” Ruruka accused, grabbing Seiko’s hair and yanking her head up. “You’re only around because everyone pities you so much! Why can’t you do anything right? You’re so weak!”

“I…” Blood crept over Seiko’s body, weighing her down. “I just…!” Blood filled her mouth, choking her, blinding her. Then she was staring into red light, a red Monokuma eye hovering above her. She drew in ragged gasps of air, clutching her head. “I’m not weak! I can…I can still…!”

Seiko fumbled in her jacket, dragging out a half-full bottle of green capsules. She tilted her head back and swallowed them all, then hurled the empty bottle down the hall and stood, shaking as the medicine pounded through her body.

“I can still…save everyone…” she hissed. “I’m not…I’m not useless…! I’m not!”

“Of course you are…” Ruruka’s voice curled around her ear. “Look at all the people you let die. All those bodies…and it’s _all your fault_ , Seiko-chan.”

A clatter drew Seiko’s attention. She turned to see a curved dagger lying on the floor. It was hypnotic, calling to her. She reached out to grip it in one hand.

“Are you going to kill me, Seiko-chan?” Ruruka asked. Seiko gritted her teeth. “I guess you’re really the attacker, hm? You betrayed everyone…”

“Shut up!” Seiko bashed herself back into the wall, trying to escape Ruruka’s sweet cruelty.

“What right do you have to call me a traitor? When I kept you around for years despite how creepy you are, how unnatural, how nauseating…why am _I_ the traitor when _you_ were the one whose heart was so rotten?”

Water leaked from the wall as it cracked from the force of Seiko desperately slamming herself into it over and over. Ruruka kept spilling those toxic words into her ear.

“Yoi-chan is the only one who’s ever had the right to be in love with me. You’re terrible, Seiko-chan. You can’t even do anything useful with that so-called ‘talent’ of yours.”

“Is this what you want from me? You’ve tried to give me sweets time after time, knowing I’d die…” Seiko pulled the dagger in until its point touched her shirt. “Is this what you wanted?”

“Don’t you know, Seiko-chan?” Ruruka’s warm breath filled her senses with the buzz of sugar and honey. A hand covered her own grip around the dagger. That blue world reappeared and Ruruka was standing before her, smiling coyly.

“What?” Seiko prompted roughly. Soft lips captured her own, and it made her heart ache, it made her long for the blade to change this emotional torment into physical release. Because she knew Ruruka didn’t mean anything by this kiss. It was an expression of pity, of scorn, showing her what she could never deserve. Ruruka parted from her, just enough to speak into her mouth.

“There is _nothing_ I want more.”

Ruruka nudged the dagger. Seiko didn’t hesitate to give the damned woman her satisfaction, feeling herself begin to go numb. She would always give in to Ruruka.

The dagger embedded in her chest, Seiko slammed her fist into the wall again, choking out something that was half-scream and half-sob. The cracked wall dug into her back, keeping her suspended. She closed her eyes, feeling blackness overtake her.

_In the end…I couldn’t do anything to save anyone after all. I’m sorry…I’m so, so…sorry…_

Then there was nothing but the former Ultimate Pharmacist’s heart shuddering to a stop, the last of her kind and selfless spirit bleeding out as the third time limit neared its end and Seiko Kimura was taken by despair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ruruka's chapter will (hopefully) be up soon. I wanted to post both at once, but...well, 1) I got impatient, and 2) I could not leave this ship tag devoid of activity any longer. Even if this story is 100% angst and pain. I'll post some fluff to make up for it soon I swear.
> 
> And yes, the title is a reference to "Girl With One Eye" by Florence + The Machine. It just seems very appropriate for them.


	2. Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it only took a whole MONTH to get this done. Wow. Apologies to any who may have been waiting for Ruruka’s chapter! Haha, I hope that’s at least a few people… ^_^;
> 
> Full disclosure, I had an easier time writing Ruruka’s hallucination than Seiko’s. Seiko’s was very visual and frantic, but Ruruka’s is mainly full of emotional interactions and heavy dialogue, which I’m much more familiar with writing. The reason for this is that while I felt Seiko would break by seeing her perceived failures as endless and morbid with Ruruka as more of a final blow to push her over the edge, Ruruka’s betrayal complex and inability to get attached to more than a few people makes her more susceptible to the only two people she’s ever trusted calling her out on her bullshit while explicitly blaming her for what happened to them. 
> 
> ALSO: The only reason Sonosuke is tagged as “mentioned” is because he only appears as part of Ruruka’s hallucination, not as his real self. Chisa and Daisaku last chapter didn’t play roles important enough to warrant being tagged, but Sonosuke is obviously VERY important in Ruruka’s hallucination and suicide.

Ruruka stepped out of the room with Sonosuke’s body on shaky legs, blinking back her tears as she stared at the floor, focusing on putting one foot in front of the other. She quietly closed the door, leaned back against it with a shuddering exhale, and looked up…

What color remained in her face was drained in a heartbeat as her eyes went wide. Her knees gave out and she sank down to the floor, staring in shock and horror.

_No._

Long, pale hair.

_No…_

Dark clothes

_No, no, no…_

A knife buried in a white blouse.

_Nononono…!_

Red rivers running down from a still-bleeding heart.

_Why…?_

“Seiko…chan…”

Ruruka barely heard her own faint voice. She should be happy. She should be relieved. She should be grateful to the attacker. Seiko was a traitor, wasn’t she? She’d betrayed Ruruka, she’d tried to kill her, she was a monster.

_So why does it hurt that she’s gone?_

Ruruka forced herself to stand. She stumbled closer only to lose her footing when she stepped on a slick spot. She bit her lip to hold in a cry as she fell, hitting the floor hard on her hands and knees. She saw something in the red-tinted water and crawled to it.

_Is that…one of my candies?_

Ruruka felt a lump rise in her throat as she picked it up and sat back on her knees. The wrapper was one she hadn’t used since she was a child. It only took her a few seconds to realize it was the same candy she’d given to Seiko when they first met on that rainy street.

_She couldn’t eat it, but she kept it all this time. Even when things fell apart between us, even when she hated me, when she betrayed me, when she tried so hard to murder me…she kept it. Why? Whywhywhywhywhywhy?_

Ripples drew her attention down to the water again. She raised her free hand to her cheek and realized fresh tears were dripping down her face. The truth she’d always known but never acknowledged finally rose to her full awareness. Of course Seiko kept it. She’d always been sentimental and kind and forgiving. She’d always, always, _always_ done everything and anything for Ruruka, even when it was detrimental to herself. And Ruruka knew why. She knew damn well why Seiko had kept this memento with her all these years.

_It’s because she was in love with me._

Everything came crashing down around the confectioner. She fell back to her hands and knees, struggling to support herself as her head bowed and her whole body shook. She gritted her teeth and squeezed her eyes shut.

“Idiot…” she choked out. “Seiko-chan, you _idiot_ …why would you still love me after everything that happened?”

_Just like Yoi-chan._

“You tried to kill me, didn’t you? Why did you do it when you didn’t even hate me? How could you love me while you were trying so hard to kill me?”

_Everyone betrays you in the end._

“Answer me, dammit! Why can’t you tell me? Why did you have to die before you could explain yourself?”

_No matter how much they love you, no matter how much you love them…_

“You’re a traitor! You’re not fair! You did everything for me and you could never accept the one thing _I_ could do! Nothing was ever fair! At least be fair to me now!”

_Everyone betrays everyone. It’s how people are, isn’t it? We’re all traitors to the core._

Ruruka wanted to scream. She wanted to run to Sonosuke and cry into his chest. She wanted him to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay. But he was dead.

_I betrayed him and killed him._

She wanted to rewind time and go back to high school, before everything went to hell. She wanted to have her boyfriend and her best friend by her side. She wanted to pretend betrayal was fiction and death was a nightmare and everything was okay.

_Seiko-chan betrayed me. I betrayed Yoi-chan. And…I betrayed Seiko-chan too, didn’t I? And Yoi-chan would have betrayed me eventually. And now none of us can ever betray each other again because they’re both dead. I’m the only one left and I can’t betray myself._

_I can’t betray myself, can I? It’s impossible, right? People always betray everyone around them, but we can’t betray ourselves. Right? That’s right, isn’t it?_

Ruruka opened her eyes and raised her bangle to look at her forbidden action. She couldn’t let anyone leave this twisted game. She could never escape it herself, either. She was a traitor to everyone, everyone, everyone.

_Because of this stupid thing, I have to be a traitor to myself after all._

Ruruka put the candy Seiko had dropped in her pocket and forced herself to crawl the rest of the way to the wall, to Seiko’s body. She rocked back onto her knees and slowly raised her eyes, looking up at the crucified pharmacist above her. Seiko’s mouth hung open in a silent sob but her eyes were closed. She looked almost…peaceful in her death. The wall behind her was damaged so badly that water poured from the cracks, which made Ruruka’s stomach turn.

_She must have fought, but the attacker was too strong._

Seiko’s fingernails were extended into claws. Ruruka knew enough about the drugs she used to dope herself up to know that those claws should have retreated when the effects wore off, which meant she must have died while under their influence. Enough time had passed between their fight and the time limit that they couldn’t have lasted from the dose she’d used to fight Ruruka and Sonosuke.

_She took another dose to fight, and the attacker still beat her?_ Fear struck her heart. _Seiko-chan was stronger than me in combat, especially with those drugs. If she couldn’t fend off the attacker…_

_What chance will_ I _have if they find me?_

At that thought, Ruruka shuddered. The attacker nearly _had_ found her—Seiko’s body was so close to the door of the room she had sheltered in. If the attacker had opened that door instead of going after Seiko in the hall…

_The attacker was right here. If Seiko-chan hadn’t been here, the attacker would have checked the room for sure. Does this mean…Seiko-chan saved my life…? She didn’t mean to, but she helped me again. Again and again and again…no matter what, we’re always in that cycle. She helps me and gets nothing but pain and misfortune for it. We could never really get away from each other, could we? We always managed to come back together in some way or another._

_Then we always threw each other away._

Ruruka staggered to her feet and turned away from Seiko’s body, but she found herself facing the room where Sonosuke’s corpse lay. She was trapped between the one she’d betrayed and the one who had betrayed her, the one she’d cast aside and the one who had cast her aside, the two people she’d never thought could turn against her or be turned against by her.

Sonosuke had already been her boyfriend for years before they’d entered Hope’s Peak, and he’d remained her lover until she stole his last breath. Ruruka had loved him, and he’d loved her, and they were supposed to always stay together. Hadn’t they said that when they defeated despair, they’d get married the next day? But she’d broken all her promises to him. She’d killed him just because she’d rather be the betrayer than the betrayed.

And Seiko, once her best friend, the girl she’d admired with all her heart, had betrayed her at Hope’s Peak. Ever since she’d seen Seiko’s talent bring a stray puppy back from the verge of death, she’d felt burning admiration that slowly became poisoned by envy. Seiko’s talent was useful, practical, versatile, and beneficial to everyone. Ruruka had always thought she was amazing, and all she’d wanted was for Seiko to eat just one of her confections, for Seiko to say she admired Ruruka’s talent as much as Ruruka admired hers. But that had never happened, because Seiko always insisted she’d die if she ate sugar.

Sonosuke’s approval wasn’t enough. The world’s approval wasn’t enough. Not when the one damned person whose approval she craved above all else could never give it. Confectionery was all Ruruka could do, but those doubts and insecurities always haunted her. She’d started to rely on Seiko, on her kindness and abilities. If Seiko’s talent was involved, Ruruka was confident she could do anything.

_And she betrayed me._

Maybe Seiko realized how pathetic Ruruka was, and that was why she’d tossed her aside. Maybe she’d been fed-up with her friend’s insecurities and the way she relied on the Ultimate Pharmacist to keep them at bay.

_But she loved me, and trusted me completely, and was always stupidly nice. Would she really do something like that? There had to be another reason. There had to be! Right? What did I do that made her betray me?_

_…Could I have kept her from betraying me at all?_

Ruruka looked at the pharmacist again. She remembered how Seiko had changed over the course of their friendship. The more insecure and distant Ruruka became, the meeker Seiko acted. She’d turned from open and friendly to timid and uncertain. Her speech became increasingly halting. Her eyes stopped shining. She started to hesitate more and more when Ruruka asked her for favors. She hadn’t been arrogant or scornful. Seiko probably wasn’t even capable of arrogance. So what was it?

_She was hurting, wasn’t she? I was hurting her, and that’s why she betrayed me. I should have noticed sooner. But I had Yoi-chan, so why did I need Seiko-chan? Yoi-chan should have been my whole world. I loved him more than I loved anything or anyone!_

Ruruka couldn’t fool herself, though. Seiko’s betrayal had pissed her off, but it had also hurt like hell. Losing her best friend had hurt more than she ever imagined. She hadn’t needed Sonosuke alone. She’d needed both of them. She may have loved Sonosuke dearly, but Seiko was still her best friend. Her _only_ friend, really. The only person she trusted other than Sonosuke.

But that same friend had just been desperately trying to hunt her down and rip her apart. Ruruka remembered the terror of seeing Seiko lose herself to pure rage when Ruruka made her demands. She remembered the horror of realizing Seiko was too furious to care that her relentless attacks on the glass between them were cutting her knuckles and leaving more blood behind with each hit.

_She was destroying her own body, just so she could get to me and kill me. She was so desperate to kill me that she was willing to ignore her injuries and limits. She loved me, but she wanted to kill me anyway. Killing me was all she was thinking about. I’ve never seen that much malice in anyone’s eyes…_

_How did I push someone as kindhearted and selfless as Seiko-chan so far that she turned into such a bloodthirsty monster?_

Ruruka shook her head, gritting her teeth and fighting tears. She couldn’t dwell on this—she had to think about her own survival. She didn’t have anyone to trust anymore, but she knew better than to wander around alone. She’d need to find a group to stay with, so she could use them to protect herself until the game was over and the stupid bangle came off to let her escape.

_But if anyone realizes I killed Yoi-chan…they’ll never protect me. Who would protect a girl who killed her own boyfriend? And it’s obvious he died from his forbidden action, and his forbidden action was putting food in his mouth, so everyone would know I did it!_

_Unless…I frame the attacker for it. If I hide his real cause of death and make everyone think the attacker killed him, they’ll pity me and never suspect a thing!_

Ruruka took a deep breath and fixed her attention on the knife embedded in Seiko’s heart. If she moved Sonosuke out of the room to hide the motive behind his death, she could put that knife in his chest so everyone would think the attacker was the culprit. She gulped and shifted so she was right in front of Seiko, closer to her than she’d been since Hope’s Peak.

“Seiko-chan…” Ruruka whispered, gripping the knife with one hand and using the other to keep the pharmacist’s body against the wall by pressing her chest. “Please help me one last time.”

With a shaky breath, Ruruka withdrew the knife from Seiko’s heart. She blinked away the tears that burned her eyes as she looked down at the bloodstained blade. She looked up at Seiko again, then slowly, as if in a trance, stretched up to kiss her cheek.

“Thank you, Seiko-chan. For everything you’ve done for me. For this last gift that I’m taking from you. And…I’m sorry. But things would never have had a happy ending between us anyhow, right? After all…everyone will always betray each other. It’s just how humans are.”

 

* * *

 

_Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!_

Ruruka bolted awake, scrambling to sit up and immediately looking around to make sure she was alone. Her heart was pounding. She let out a long breath of relief when she saw that the room was empty.

_I made it through the time limit._

“Hello!”

Ice shot down Ruruka’s spine at Monokuma’s ever-upbeat voice. Despite her limited interactions with the dumb bear, she knew that whenever he showed up, despair followed. And without Sonosuke by her side, she was more terrified than ever.

“Attacker, are you awake? It’s attackin’ time. Now, who’s the target for today?”

Ruruka looked up at the source of the voice to see Monokuma staring at her from the monitor above.

“I found the attacker!” he told her gleefully.

“I’m the attacker? As if!” Ruruka spat at him.

“What? You aren’t the attacker, you say? It must be some mistake, you say? Yep, that’s what everyone says.”

“What the hell? Stop messing around!” Ruruka was shaking. Did Monokuma mean there were multiple attackers? But why would he wake _her_ up as an attacker? There was no way she could be a Remnant of Despair.

“But being an attacker’s not that bad. G-G-Get this. It comes with a secret bonus!”

“A…bonus?” Ruruka frowned. Despite herself, she had to admit she was curious about what bonus was given to the attacker. She fully faced the monitor.

“Eh? What’s the bonus, you say? You wanna know? I bet you do! Watch carefully.”

Monokuma left the screen and a countdown appeared in his place.

_3_

_2_

_1_

_Monokuma’s Gloomy Sunday_

The crash of sounds from the music pounded in Ruruka’s head. The way Monokuma kept changing colors was hypnotic, and she couldn’t look away. She felt her head start to get fuzzy, but no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t stop watching. The world disappeared, everything vanishing into an unnatural blueness that stretched on without end. Ruruka looked around, confused.

“…Hello?” she called hesitantly as she stood. “Is…is anyone there…?”

“Ruruka.”

Every muscle in Ruruka’s body went rigid until she felt like a statue. She didn’t want to hear that voice. How _could_ she hear that voice?

How could Sonosuke be here when Ruruka had killed him?

“You were already planning to betray me, weren’t you, Ruruka?” Sonosuke asked coldly, appearing before her.

“Wh…what?” Ruruka’s eyes widened.

“You sent me to get a weapon to finish off Kimura. But as soon as I was out of the room, you tried to make a deal with her. You were going to lie and say she escaped, but really you were going to just let her go. You lied when you said you’d keep her there until I got back with something to use to kill her.”

Ruruka tensed. He was right—she’d tried to give Seiko a way out. For some godforsaken reason, she’d made an effort to let her traitorous former friend live. She’d gone behind her boyfriend’s back to save the very woman she’d asked him to kill.

“I…I-I would have…if she’d agreed to eat my sweets, she would have to get close enough that I could step on her shadow! And…Munakata…if she'd tried to kill him, h-he probably would have killed her, and even if he hadn’t, he’d weaken her enough that we could kill her easily…!” she protested.

“Liar,” Sonosuke accused. “You were planning to let her go the whole time. You lied to me, planned to betray me, all for _her_ sake. You said you hated her, but you ended up putting her life above the trust we had in our relationship. You betrayed me all along, not just at the end.”

“No! That’s not—!”

“You said you thought she was the Future Foundation traitor…but you were pretending, weren’t you? You asked her to kill Munakata, which the traitor would have already been trying to do. You told her we aren’t with the Remnants of Despair, but if you really believed she was the traitor, you wouldn't need to—if she was the traitor, she would already know that because she’d be one of the Remnants herself. You lied all along.”

“Yoi-chan…please…please stop…” Ruruka’s throat constricted and she shuddered with the pure disgust she felt surging toward herself. She felt so, so _filthy_ , because Sonosuke was right. He was _right_ , and she hated it. She hated that she couldn’t bring herself to hate Seiko.

She hated that her slimy, traitorous heart had long ago been torn in half.

“I loved you so much, Ruruka. Why did you betray me? And you killed me…for what? That exit wasn’t real. Even if I betrayed you—which we both know I never would—and tried to leave, you wouldn’t have been in danger at all. You killed me for _nothing_.”

“How was I supposed to know that?” Ruruka shrieked, clutching her head, tugging at her hair. “I couldn’t stand the thought of you betraying me! How could I know the exit was fake? I did what I had to do! I couldn’t risk it!”

“I would have protected you, no matter what. And you threw me away,” Sonosuke growled, hurt filling his voice.

“Throwing people away is what she’s best at, after all.”

Ruruka froze up, eyes wide. Those words had come from behind her, and she didn’t want to turn around. She didn’t want to think about it. She had enough heartache over Sonosuke. She’d pushed Seiko’s death from her mind to mourn her lover. She didn’t want to be reminded of that horrible moment when she’d been forced to face the truth of Seiko’s feelings—and the truth of her own—in front of the pharmacist’s dead body.

_Please…no…_

“Isn’t that right, Ruruka? You threw me away even though I did everything for you. You tried to throw Kirigiri-san away even though you know she has the best chance of figuring out how to end the game and get that bangle off your wrist. You threw Izayoi away even though all he wanted was to protect you and be loved by you.”

“You’re wrong!” Ruruka spun around. “You didn’t do everything for me—you never ate my sweets and you couldn’t even be honest about your feelings! Kirigiri doesn’t care about me, she’d get everyone out and leave me to die from my forbidden action! Yoi-chan would have betrayed me eventually, and I couldn’t stand the thought of being betrayed by someone I care about again!”

“Betrayed by someone you care about…again?” Seiko cocked her head. “But wasn’t Izayoi the only one you ever cared about? You used me and that’s all.”

“Th-that’s not it. I cared about you, Seiko-chan! I never meant to use you!”

_I admired you so much—that’s why I relied on you and asked you for so many things._

“You knew how I felt about you and you took advantage of that.”

“No…that’s not it…”

_I pretended your feelings weren’t there because I didn’t want to choose._

“You played at being friends when you knew I was in love with you even though you didn’t care about me at all.”

“No…no, I…”

_I had to believe Yoi-chan was the only one who was in love with me, because if I thought about you being in love with me too…_

“I never asked you for more than friendship. I never asked you to like me that way. I gave up on something I wanted to stay by your side…and I still wasn’t good enough.”

“I did like you that way, I _loved_ you that way, but I loved Yoi-chan too!” Ruruka finally confessed that dark, shameful secret she’d denied for so many years, her words coming out as a near-scream. “Yoi-chan was my first love and I never stopped loving him! I loved you both equally, but Yoi-chan was _first_ , so of course I chose him!”

“You think I would have made you _choose_?” Seiko’s voice rose in volume but lowered in pitch, threatening enough to make the confectioner flinch. “I wasn’t that selfish. I just wanted you to care, to tell me you cared, to tell me how much I meant to you. Even if you decided you couldn’t divide your attention or Izayoi rejected the thought of sharing you, I deserved more than lies and abuse! I would have been satisfied with just a simple acknowledgement, but you couldn’t even give me that!”

Ruruka felt something wet and warm creeping up her legs and looked down to find blood oozing over her like a liquid cocoon. She tried to wipe it away as it climbed but it was undeterred, washing over her face, filling her lungs, encasing her entire body—

And her body jerked, ripped from the void, focused on the red screen above. She clutched her head, shaking violently, broken wails escaping her throat. She wrapped her arms around herself and hunched over slightly, feeling like she was about to throw up.

“Ruruka…” two voices chorused, closing in on her. She staggered to her feet, tried to run, to escape, but stumbled and fell. The breath was knocked from her lungs, leaving her too winded to get up again. She could feel vengeful presences coming closer. Something clattered to the floor and she looked up to see a knife not far away. She squirmed and crawled to grab it—and found Sonosuke’s eyes glaring into hers. Ruruka scrambled backward, trying to get away, only for him to lunge and grab her legs.

“No! Let go of me—let go!” she cried, forcing herself to sit up. She couldn’t see him anymore but she could still feel his hands on her, so she slashed with the knife, screaming when the blade only sliced her own flesh, leaving the undamaged hands to keep trying to tug her closer as she desperately kicked against them.

“Don’t fight, Ruruka…” Seiko’s arms wrapped around her waist, horribly gentle in their embrace, warm breath ghosting against her ear, making her shudder. “Aren’t you happy to see us again? The people you betrayed like we meant nothing to you?”

“Leave me alone!” Ruruka dropped the knife to claw at her stomach, her chest, her arms, wishing Seiko would release her, or at least stop tormenting her with the false kindness of her touch. She felt her clothes tear, making her nails rake across her skin and leave bloody scratches in their wake. Fabric stuck under her nails, held by blood, skin, and the force of her efforts.

“You want us to let you go?” Sonosuke asked. Tears streaked down Ruruka’s face as she nodded, choking out pleas through her sobs. Miraculously, he took his hands off her, and Seiko soon followed suit. Before Ruruka could thank them, Seiko was talking into her ear again.

“If you want us to stop instead of just giving you a break…you need to do what we say…” she whispered. Ruruka whimpered. Her vision faded in and out between the real and blue worlds.

“Wh…wh-what do you want from me…?” she stammered.

“Eat them,” Sonosuke replied simply. Ruruka frowned.

“I-I don’t…I don’t understand…”

“Your sweets. The sweets you tormented me with, the sweets you killed him with…” Seiko clarified. “Betray yourself with your precious talent, just like you did to us.”

Ruruka couldn’t resist that command. Seiko and Sonosuke were hypnotic. She’d betrayed them and damaged them beyond repair, and she couldn’t even try to make it right because they were both dead—the least she could do was obey their desires. She dug in her clothes for handfuls of her candies, various sweets scattering around her in her frenzy, joining the ones already strewn over the floor by prior actions. She stared at the colorful confections in her hands, hesitating for barely five seconds.

Then she was shoveling handful after handful into her mouth, refusing to actually swallow them, feeling them fill her throat until they scraped the backs of her teeth. They threatened asphyxiation and stretched her jaw to its limit.

Pain was pounding through her whole body. The cuts on her legs, the clawmarks on her arms and torso, the scrapes on her back from the floor, the burning in her chest, the agony in her pharynx, the strain on her jaw…it was torture. She couldn’t find it in herself to stop. Everything hurt. Her nerves were on fire and her head was throbbing…but she didn’t care.

Her body reflexively began to contort, fighting to stay conscious, to stay alive. She collapsed onto her back, writhing, flailing, gagging, crying. The world went blue. Seiko and Sonosuke were above her, completely focused on her like she was the only thing that mattered. But she could tell she didn’t matter in a good way. To them, she was nothing more than an abomination deserving pure disgust. She was what they despised more than anything or anyone.

“Now…” Seiko’s voice was a soft purr. She and Sonosuke watched Ruruka’s spasming form with chilling indifference. “Die for us.”

The real world returned. Ruruka didn’t hesitate. She fumbled for the knife, found her own chest, and as her convulsions jerked her up into a sitting position, she plunged the blade into her heart.

Her scream gurgled in her throat, muted by the candies obstructing her airway. Blood poured free and her muscles weakened. Her stomach seized, her gag reflex managing to expel just a few candies from her mouth. She couldn’t support herself anymore, crashing back to the floor, feeling some of the candies roll to a stop on her body. The impact sent fresh pain shooting through her spine, her shoulder blades, and the back of her head.

Was this the room with the Monokuma eye glaring from above, or was she in that blue void again? She couldn’t tell anymore. She stared up at the sadistic satisfaction on Sonosuke and Seiko’s faces, feeling her own expression twist in agony. It hurt, seeing them look at her like that. They wanted her to be in pain. They hated her. They thought she was pathetic. Their eyes were full of everything she’d hoped she would never see from anyone, especially the two people she loved—no, more than that. They were the two people she was _in love_ with. And they finally saw her for the insecure, pitiful girl she’d always been.

Sobs made her chest heave and left her lungs struggling even harder to keep taking in oxygen. The faces above her started to blur.

“Good girl…” Sonosuke crooned. “You finally got what you deserved.”

And as Ruruka’s senses faded away and her body fell limp, her only thought was that he was right. The physical torture, the psychological torment, the sheer _despair_ that filled her to the brim and overflowed, spilling out in blood and tears…

_This is what a traitor like me deserves._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, this was an emotionally straining story alright! Everything that happened to these girls in canon makes my heart hurt, and writing this made me want to cry at times. I’m out of my element with pure angst, since usually I do angst-fluff hybrids and 95% of my angst ultimately has a happy ending. Please leave kudos if you liked it, or better yet, comment and tell me what you thought!
> 
> Fluffy stuffs to come. If nobody’s gonna put out content for this ship, I guess I’ve gotta take the wheel! (Why are all my major Danganronpa ships rarepairs, the lack of content for the DR ships I adore above all others is SO NOT FAIR.)


End file.
